I was just checking out my new Virgin Mobile service, and discovered an intriguing feature called DUI. Yes, it is what you think. Quoth the website:

Don’t dial Under the Influence!

Incoherent calls to exes, bosses and partners could be a thing of the past as Virgin Mobile urges you to get tighter with the right posse.

Dial 333 plus a phone number you don’t want to call when drunk e.g. 333 0431 123456.

Virgin Mobile then stops all calls to that number (e.g. 0431 123456) by blacklisting it until 6am the following morning from your phone.

To undo the action in an emergency dial 333CLEAR (33325327).

When blacklisting the number dial the number exactly as it appears in your mobile contacts book

*hic* Howsz szmany… *hic* numbershzz can I… *hic* blacklist?

But wait, there’s more:

Stuck in a disastrous date? Small talk and uncomfortable silences galore? Wish you were anywhere but there? Don’t want to make a scene? Fear not – now you can dial 767 (SOS) and hang up without saying a word and then Virgin Mobile will call you back a minute later with a perfect excuse to get you out of there. We’ll even talk you through what to say.

The SOS RINGâ„¢ is the perfect excuse to get out of that disastrous date without causing a scene.

These two features are clearly signs of the pending apocalypse.